Korver

I knew  I wanted to sit down and journal about the experience we've had with Korver the past 2 1/2 months, but  I just needed some time to take it all in, and for things to calm down a bit.

January 25 was a day I will never forget as a mother.  It was one of the worst days of my life up until this point.  I wont forget the images, emotions, anxiety, peace, and the overwhelming love I felt for my family, being a mother, for the priesthood in my home, and for modern medicine.  Up until that day my sweet little red head had been very healthy, perfect, and was probably my healthiest child.  I could count on one hand how many times Korver had been to the doctor up until that point.
It was about 9:00 in the morning, and we had just finished breakfast. I told Korver to come in and take a bath before church.  He was a little whiny because he really wanted to keep playing this lego game Cody bought the night before.  It was the first real video game we had owned, so he was excited about it.   I headed into the bathroom, and I turned around and there he was laying on the floor having a grand mal seizure.  I screamed for Cody and I just remember feeling completely numb.  I had no idea what was going on, I just knew my little boy was in trouble, and he wasn't responding.  I remember Cody took him and I called 911.  My older kids were really upset so I took them next door to Kajsa's house.  I remember before I walked out the door looking back at Cody and Korver.  Cody was giving him a priesthood blessing.  I was so thankful to have the priesthood in my home, especially that day!!  I just kept thinking that this couldn't be happening.  As Cody left with Korver in the ambulance, I got my kids what they needed, and headed after them shortly after.  On the way to the hospital I just remember saying a prayer out loud to my Heavenly Father.  I told him that I had no idea what was going to happen to my sweet little boy, but that I had 100% trust and faith in his plan for Korver, and for our family.  I told him that I needed my little boy, and that everything in my life that I had turned over to him, and had faith in, had turned out good, and that I trusted in his will for Korver.  When you have no idea what is going to happen to your child it's a very scary thing, but I know through many many personal experiences over the last 20 years, that my Heavenly Father knows me Ashley Nielson personally.  I am so thankful for this knowledge.  He has been present in my life many times, and many prayers have been answered that I know without a doubt are from him.  He has shaped my life into something better than I could've planned.  It has not always been easy during trials, unsure times, and times where I was waiting on the Lord, and on myself, but it has always turned out much better when I've left it into the Lords hands.  I feel like the Lord gives us trials to prepare us for the next thing in life.
As we arrived at the hospital the ER doctor asked us, "do you have any history of epilepsy, or brain tumors, in your family?"  Our hearts sunk, as we answered her yes.  You could tell from her expression that she was concerned once we said this.  I remember just sitting there with Cody, and looking at Korver.  We've both always said what a special spirit Korver is.  He came into our family, and has been the peacemaker.  The happy, funny, momma's boy, and our pal!  My heart broke that he had to go through this trial.  They did all the tests on him, and everything came back very normal! The doctors continued to tell  us that normally there are a reason for seizures that come completely out of the blue for healthy children.  Korver's blood work came back wonderful, all the scans came back completely clear, and since he'd been a healthy boy up until this point, they weren't sure what was causing these.  We know this has something to do with his sleep/wake cycle.  So when we took him back home, and he continued to have more seizures, it was really hard.  It was so sad to see his little body go through so much each time he had one.  It was scary for his siblings to see him go through this!!  It was heartbreaking for Cody and I to know that this could be a normal thing for our little boy.  But what we thought about most through all of this, was how lucky and blessed Korver was that they were not finding anything more on his scans!  The neurologist kept telling us, that even though this is frustrating, just be very thankful we are not finding anything on his scans, such as tumors, brain lesions, or other causes.
I know our Heavenly Father is aware of Korver.  I know that he is aware of our feelings as his parents.  But I have learned that I cannot be fearful if I am to completely trust in his will.  Korver came into our family 3rd for a reason.  He has taught us love, patience, happiness, and helped us to trust in our Heavenly Father's plan, and not on our own.  I was told after Trey that I would not be able to have any more children.  So when they gave me the go ahead to have more children, I was so excited.  The first time I held Korver I felt so much love!!  I know that his siblings need to learn something from this, as well as us.  I have found that in my life the Lord has needed to teach me patience, and trust!!  Through all of our moves, starting our business in Arizona, getting pregnant with Berkley right before our move to Texas, and going through this with Korver.   I know the Lord has needed to stretch Cody and I.  I am seeing more clearly with each year why he needed us to move, why he needed us to experience the amazing people of Arizona before we moved to Texas, and why I was supposed to have Berkley when I did.  I can see why he needed these things to happen in my life, and I'm thankful for hard things!! They have made me better, they have helped me grow, they have helped me see the kind of mother, teacher, and friend I want and need to be, and most importantly it's helped me rely more on my Savior and husband so much more!!  They are both my rock!!  I rely on both of them so much in my life.  I am very lucky to have my best friend by my side through this.  I couldn't get through hard things without Cody.   I know I'm blessed and can get through anything, if I just rely on the right sources of strength.  I love the quote, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  So as we go through this new phase of life for us, I just pray I can love my children more, show more patience and unconditional love to them, and appreciate every day in life.
I'm thankful to be a mother.  It is not easy everyday, but when I look at my children I'm reminded of what a special gift they are, and how important I am in their lives.  I know what I teach them, my attitude, and my own testimony will be a source of strength for them.  I feel such a weight most days to teach them right, protect them, show them by example, and love them.  I just hope all the good outweighs the bad.  I know that being a mom is the most important calling and job I will ever have.

I'm thankful for the good people, prayers, and the peace we have felt during the last few months.  I know Korver is a special little boy, and I know he is here to teach us! You won't find a little boy who loves to give hugs, kisses, and snuggles more than him.  He is our little piece of sunshine everyday.  As my kids would say, "our home would not be the same without Korver.  He makes all of us laugh!"